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Martial Law Declared by Exasperated Greens
Posted GMT
Eugene, OR and New York, NY (HACT Exclusive) - Disgusted by the turn of events in the 2004 election, the Green Party has declared martial law in the United States of America and announced the forcible dissolution of the Democratic Party. Their bold statement to the press was made during midnight press conferences on both coasts and was indeed backed up by nothing less than an army.
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| David Cobb with his head enforcer Mario del Sweeney
shortly before the history-making press conference |
Groups of armed soldiers calling themselves the "Green Resistance Force" announced their presence outside the seat of government of each of the 50 state capitals, the White House, the Pentagon, and other vital locations around the nation. Shocked and surprised during a long and late election night, American military forces have not yet mustered a response in kind, which may be due to Green infiltration.
"We have endured this administration long enough!" declared David Cobb, former Green Party presidential candidate and now self-appointed Leader of the Resistance, during his speech. "We no longer accept that greater America can make the right decision! We no longer believe that the Democrats are our only hope, and we won't sit back and wait four more years for Bush to run this country into the ground!"
Scant minutes before, former Green vice-presidential candidate Pat LaMarche, in full riot gear, led the storming of the New York MSNBC studios along with 5,000 troops. LaMarche and her former running mate Cobb claim to have taken military control of the country. "The National Guard cannot stand against us, because we have subsumed the National Guard!" LaMarche cried during the broadcast, gesturing behind her to reveal numerous National Guard uniforms in the crowd of soldiers that commanded the studios.
Experts speculate that the Greens have been hard at work for months planning the coup, which seems to have involved undermining the American military, understaffed and distracted by the never-ending war in Iraq. The Greens could well have exploited the dissatisfaction of many individuals in the armed forces who were disgusted with what many deem a "second Vietnam".
Former Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry, whom the Green forces located at a disused fallout shelter in Boston, Mass., said at gunpoint: "This is a difficult day for America. It looks as if I would have lost the official election at any rate. And so I, for one, welcome our new Green overlords and only hope that I can be of some service to this great military force that has taken control of our fair nation."
Unreachable for comment or reaction was President George W. Bush, presumed to be under Cheyenne Mountain at NORAD Colorado Springs, the closest refuge to his last known location in Crawford, Texas. Reports of the capture of Vice-President Dick Cheney somewhere in Virginia are unsubstantiated at this time.
More news to come as the Greens' bicoastal broadcasts continue.
§(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)