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White House Puts Kerry on the Spot -- Again
Posted GMT
Washington, DC (HACT) -- Despite a strongly-worded response from the Kerry campaign, the White House today renewed its appeal to Senator John Kerry to reveal the names of the world leaders Kerry claimed privately support his campaign.
"If he doesn't tell us who is supposedly supporting him, we have to assume that Kerry is a lying poo-poo head," stated Vice President Cheney in a press conference on Capitol Hill today.
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| Cheney on Kerry: "poo-poo head" |
Cheney then made a farty noise with his mouth.
"Poo-poo head," stressed Cheney.
A few hours after Secretary of State Colin Powell's request yesterday for Kerry to name his alleged supporters, President Bush convened an impromptu Cabinet meeting in the hallway outside the boys' gym with Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld. The three engaged in furious whispering and giggling before coming to a hurried stop as one of the teachers walked by.
"Who's your friends, Kerry?" taunted Attorney General John Ashcroft shortly after first bell. When asked by reporters if Ashcroft was "bugging him", Senator Kerry merely expressed surprise that "Johnny is in with them" but denied that Ashcroft had made him cry.
Experts theorize that the Bush administration will not rest until Kerry has revealed the names of his actual or fictive supporters, possibly resorting to kicking sand in the face of the Massachusetts senator or giving him a "swirly". If Kerry cracks, however, Bush and his friends will probably just try to beat the others up after school.
"They're not the boss of me," said Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder of Germany. "Me and Putin and Miller are gonna jump 'em if they try anything." However, when asked if Germany had indeed given Kerry its tacit support, Schroeder gasped and replied, "I ain't telling." He then looked around in a panic and ran from the schoolyard.
More word on this issue is expected at tomorrow's Capitol Hill news conference, nominally about Haiti. Pigs in a blanket will be served with French fries and chocolate milk or orange drink. §(The HACT team produces humor and opinion articles, not official news. Any resemblance to actual news is just a matter of style.)